When You No Longer Have Control of Your Depression

What do you do when you start feeling out of control? No longer having control of your thoughts, actions, and behaviors. No longer having control over your own body.

You can no longer control the negative thoughts consuming your mind, or the inability to get out of bed, or the irritability towards other people. You can no longer control the tears streaming down your face or the emptiness your feel in your heart. That hollow feeling in your chest, like someone is sucking the air right out of you. You can no longer control the sudden disinterest in things you use to enjoy. You can no longer even fathom being around other people, because you don’t have the energy to fake a smile. No longer having control of yourself.

When you begin losing that control, the pessimistic thoughts turn in to negative self-talk. The once “my life sucks” slowly turns into “I suck”. The once “I feel like I can’t get out of bed” slowly turns into “what’s wrong with me that I can’t get out of bed”. “I am going through a hard time” turns into “I made this hard time for myself”.

Low key, you know what you should be doing. You know you should be going out and exercising. You know you should be spending time with people. You know changing your routine would begin to turn things around. Even though you know all of those things, it doesn’t make it come any easier. It almost makes it worse to know those things rather than to live in ignorance. You know those things and so you begin to hate yourself, feel ashamed in yourself, feel disappointed in yourself. Feel those things because you know better, but you can’t do it. Your mind, emotions, and physical body just can’t do it. No matter how much you want it to.

You wish you could so badly, that alone could create more tears to fall. You wish you could so badly, you feel guilty. You want to so badly, but just can’t. There’s no explanation for it other than our minds becoming the worst versions of ourselves, to ourselves.

Sometimes, these feelings build up over time. Sometimes they happen suddenly. You start thinking back. Was this gradually happening? Did something happened that triggered it? Did I do something wrong? And we end up fixating on the “I did something wrong” part, because you wonder how you could let this happen.

You wonder how you were striving, exercising, loving yourself, laughing, and smiling before this. You wonder how you went from that to depressed, immobile, and crying. It starts to confuse you how that can even happen.

And it’s an endless cycle. The depression kicks in and you feel motionless, exhausted, and uninterested. You begin questioning what’s wrong with you. You begin to feel disappointed and ashamed in yourself for letting this happen and being unable to do anything. That shame and disappointment create an even bigger barrier to do anything.

Getting out of a depression is an uphill battle. It’s a battle that has to be fought everyday. It’s a battle where you have to know the fine line between what’s good for you at that time, and what you need to face and overcome.

Sometimes, you just need to cut yourself some slack. You’re going through something, you’re fighting something, you’re experiencing emotional turmoil. But you can only take it one day at a time. You can’t be too hard on yourself, because you have to allow yourself to work through this.

It’s okay if you get groceries delivered because you can’t face going to the store yet. You still got the groceries.

It’s okay if you start ordering a lot of things from Amazon to get toothpaste or the like delivered. You are still restocking your necessities.

It’s okay if you can’t get out of bed that day. Take a rest. You know you can’t rest forever, but you can for now.

It’s okay if you are crying. Let it out. Release it.

It’s okay if you can’t jump back into your normal routine. Take baby steps.

The battle is real. It’s overwhelming, destructive, terrifying, confusing, sometimes uncontrollable. But the battle is just another thing you’ll win in the end. Even if it takes a little extra time.

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