So…who am I?
My entire personality was around alcohol. My life was consumed around alcohol. Every activity I did or place I went was about alcohol. When I removed the alcohol, what was I left with?
I had to find it. I had to find who I was. What other option was there? I began a journey of self-reflection and really looking into myself and who I was. Thinking about who I wanted to be in this world. Trying to figure out how the hell to become that person.
I started realizing that my “friends” were not my friends. They were my drinking buddies…other than a select few. I needed to find a passion, a dream, a purpose.
Let me tell you, this process was not easy by any means. And I am really just making a long story short. This process is not simple, it’s not straightforward, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a PROCESS.
I started to try and figure out how to forgive myself for the things I have done. How to work through the shame I felt. But that was the key…working through the shame. I couldn’t run from it anymore, I had to just move through it and experience it. No matter how painful it was.
I saw a post that said “When you begin to awaken, layers will be shed. You may experience rage, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. Ride the wave! Allow these things to exit your system. Because your illusion of self (ego) is being shed so your true self (spirit) can thrive! Embrace the transition.”
So that’s just what I did. I rode the wave. The long ass, shitty wave. Because I knew that after I got through the wave, it would be worth it.
I began forgiving myself (I’m still working on it) and little by little, I was realizing who I truly was. I realized that if I was truly a shitty person, I wouldn’t feel so much shame over the things I did. If I was truly a bad person, I wouldn’t feel so terrible about the apathetic person I was. I knew that I was meant to do more, and I knew there was more to me than I ever knew…I just had to find it.
I saw another post that said “There’s so much of my past self that I don’t resonate with at all anymore, but I love her just the same. She was growing. She was doing her best. She fought hard to get me here”.
It spoke to me, because it was so damn true.
That’s when it hit me, and I knew my purpose. Because of the counselors at the recovery center I went to, I was able to begin forgiving myself, start to love myself, start to become who I truly am, and live a better life. I wanted to do the same for other people. I wanted to be like those counselors and help people work through all of their shit too.
I have always been a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. And this was my reason. The reason for doing those horrible things. The reason for developing a drinking problem. The reason for hating myself. The reason for getting to a point in my drinking where I had to ask for help. All of that…was so that I could get to that recovery center, learn from those counselors, start fresh with who I am as a person, learn how to forgive, learn how to grow, learn how to work through emotions. All of that so I could open my eyes and realize that only I can create my own happiness. All of that so that I could unlock my true potential. All of that so that I could actually live my best life and learn to love myself. All of that so that I could pursue my dreams. All of that so I could become inspired by those counselors and become a counselor myself. All of that so that I could find my purpose.
“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.” – Sade Andria Zabala