the process of realizing a drinking problem, part 3.

I’m living my best life!! And I’m killing it!!

Oh yes….here it comes, right on time. The spiral of realization.

Damn, I’m kinda lonely in this city. This sucks, I guess I should go get some wine and just hang out by myself and listen to music, draw, paint, have a good time. There’s no reason to be lonely, I have myself!

Damn, I am so anxious when I’m trying to meet new people. What if they don’t like me? What if I say something stupid? What if they judge me? Let me get a little liquid courage in me so that I can just be myself and not care so much about what other people think. I shouldn’t care what other people think anyways!

Damn, I want to sleep reeeeally good tonight. Let me drink until I fall asleep because then I’ll pass out and get an awesome night’s sleep. I need to rejuvenate myself!

Damn, is there anyone I can call and talk to when I need someone? When I’m super upset? I think people like me better when I’m drinking, let me just invite someone out to the bar and have a good time. Ain’t nobody got time for sad feelings. It’s a downer, nobody wants to be around a downer.

Why am I a downer?

Why can’t I just be myself and not care what other people think without having to drink?

Why don’t I have anyone to call when I’m upset?

Why can’t I find anything to do with my time that doesn’t involve alcohol? How the hell do people fill their time?

Why is nothing enjoyable, no matter what it is, if I’m not drinking?

Why am I so worried about always having my fridge stocked “just in case”?

Why am I no longer finding any joy or fulfillment in my life?

How do people stay genuinely happy?

Wait a minute…do I have a problem?

Surely I can’t have a problem. I do everything I need to do. I go to work, I pay my bills, I am independent. If I lost my job because of drinking, if I got into legal trouble, if I started falling behind on bills, THEN I have a problem. But that doesn’t apply to me. So why do I have this lingering feeling in the back of my head that something is wrong?

What the fuck is going on?

Do I need help?

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